QUIZ Your Kids! You’ll Get a Laugh Out of It!

Want a good laugh?

Print out these questions for your kids and see how they answer!

1. What is something mom always says to you?
2. What makes mom happy?
3. What makes mom sad?
4. How does your mom make you laugh?
5. What was your mom like as a child?
6. How old is your mom?
7. How tall is your mom?
8. What is her favorite thing to do?
9. What does your mom do when you are not home?
10.When mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
11. What is your mom really good at?
12. What is your mom not good at?
13.what does your mom do for a job?
14.What is your mom's favorite food?
15.What makes you proud of your mom?
16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
17. what do you and your mom do together?
18. How are you and your mom the same?
19. How are you and your mom different?
20. How do you know your mom loves you?
21. What does your mom like most about your dad?
22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go

CLASSES FOR MEN

CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday April 8th, 2011 

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL 
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

 
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2 
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? 
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4 
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5 
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? 
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for202 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6 
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. 
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. 
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8 
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health 
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours..

Class 9 
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10 
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? 
Driving Simulations..
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11 
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. 
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12 
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion 
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13 
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. 
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14 
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used. 
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

*****Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors*****

The Next Survivor Series!!!!

I just saw this on a friend’s FB – LOVE IT & HAD TO SHARE!!

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.
Each kid will play two sports
and take either music or dance classes.
There is no fast food.
Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework,
complete science projects,
cook,
do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.
In addition,
each man
will have to budget enough money
for groceries each week.
Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out on time--no emailing.
Each man must also take each child
to a doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.
He must make one unscheduled and
inconvenient visit per child to the Emergency Room.
He must also make cookies or cupcakes
for a school function.
Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside, and keeping it
presentable at all times.
The men will only have access to television
when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.
The men must shave their legs,
wear makeup daily,
adorn themselves with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished,
and eyebrows groomed
During one of the six weeks,
the men will have to endure severe
Abdominal cramps, backaches, headaches,
have extreme, unexplained mood swings
but never once complain or slow down
from other duties.
They must attend weekly school meetings
and church,
and find time at least once to spend
the afternoon at the park or a similar
setting.
They will need to read a book to the kids each night
and in the morning,
feed them,
dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair
by 7:30 am.
A test will be given
at the end of the six weeks,
and each father will be required to know
all of the following information:
each child's
birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size,
doctor's name,
the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear,
and what they want to be when they grow up.
The kids vote them off the island based on performance.
The last man wins only if...
he still
has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's notice.
If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over and over
again for the next 18-25 years,
eventually earning the right
to be called Mother!

America’s Health Care Plan

AMERICA’S HEALTH CARE PLAN -

...written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't read it and whose members will be exempt from it, signed by a president who smokes, funded by a treasury chief who did not pay his taxes, overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that is broke.....

The One Flaw In Women

THE ONE FLAW IN WOMEN:

By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything
with only two hands."
The angel was astounded at the requirements.
"Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."
"But I won't, " the Lord protested.
"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days."
The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed,
"but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
"Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate."
The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak,"
the Lord corrected,
"that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappo intment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed.
"You ar e a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing."
And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness,
love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE TINY FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Parents Job Descriptions

POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

 
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging, 
permanent work in an often chaotic environment. 
Candidates must possess excellent communication 
and organizational skills and be willing to work 
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends 
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to 
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless
sports tournaments in
far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. 
Extensive courier duties also required.

 
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at
least temporarily,
until someone needs $5. 
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. 
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a 
pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three
seconds flat in
case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not
someone just crying
wolf. 
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, 
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets 
and stuck zippers. 
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and 
coordinate production of multiple homework projects. 
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings 
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. 
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, 
an embarrassment the next. 
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a 
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated
devices. 
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the
worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for 
the quality of the end product. 
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and 
janitorial work throughout the facility.

  
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
None. 
Your job is to remain in the same position for years,
without complaining,
constantly retraining and updating your skills, 
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis..

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this!  You pay them! 
Offering frequent raises and bonuses. 
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because 
of the assumption that college will help them 
become financially independent. 
When you die, you give them whatever is left. 
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that 
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

 
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, 
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and 
no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless
opportunities for
personal growth, unconditional love, 
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards
right.

RETIREMENT:

N-E-V-E-R...................E-V-E-R!!!!!

Man Shower vs. Woman Shower

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

• Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
• Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
• Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
• Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
• Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
• Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
• Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
• Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
• Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
• Shave armpits and legs.
• Rinse off.
• Turn off shower
• Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
• Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower.
• Dry with towel the size of a small country.
• Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
• Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
• If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

• Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
• Walk naked to the bathroom.
• If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
• Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
• Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
• Get in the shower. Wash your face.
• Wash your armpits.
• Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
• Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
• Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
• Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
• Wash your hair.
• Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
• Pee.
• Rinse off and get out of shower.
• Partially dry off.
• Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
• Admire wiener size in mirror again.
• Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.
• Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
• If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
• Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this,

there is something SO very wrong with you.

Birth Order of Children

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon
as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
__________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
___________________________________________________
The Layette :
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them,
and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean
and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
___________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper,
a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails
threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how
to rewind the mechanical swing.
___________________________________________________
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away
until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor,
you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
___________________________________________________
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour,
whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every
two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others
start to complain about the smell or
you see it sagging to their knees.
___________________________________________________
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics,
Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket
and the dry cleaner.
___________________________________________________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter,
you call home five times.
2nd baby : Just before you walk out the door,
you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
___________________________________________________
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure
your older child isn't squeezing, poking or hitting the baby
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
____________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins:
1st child: When first child swallows a coin,
you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin,
you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin,
you deduct it from his allowance!